The Fort York Survival Guide Oct 20, 2013 0:05:22 GMT -4
Post by Drew Galloway on Oct 20, 2013 0:05:22 GMT -4
Let's face it. Living in Fort York is fucking hard. There's evil shit trying to kill you and eat your dick if you're a good guy, and there's good guys with shotguns trying to fuck you up round every corner if you happen to be a villain. It's hard to keep your shit together when you're tossed into the asshole city of Fort York with no one there to guide you. Fortunately, this was made to help you not get your shit murdered on your first day in
Fort OrgyFort York.
1. Do not be human, if at all possible.
The leading cause of death in Fort York, second only to sex-related mishaps, is being human at all. I'm not kidding, being a human sucks. All you're really good at is getting pregnant and spreading STDs to other humans. It's not a fucking fun time. The second you realize that you are in Fort York, in an apocalypse situation, betray God and become an Overmind or something before you get your shit fucking murdered by someone who was smart enough to trust big guns downstairs in exchange for sweetass powers and an excuse for cannibalism.
2. Never be an NPC, regardless of race.
NPCs do not have it easy in Fort York. Even if the person who's writing you decides that you get to have more than one or two shallow personality traits, odds are, you're about to get bent over the proverbial kitchen counter. Unless you're Gary the awesome bartender, you have no business being an NPC and there is no way you can hope to escape a thread alive. You're cannon fodder. If you find yourself in Fort York without some loser on the computer to play you, find someone. Even if you're related to a more important character, something horrible is going to happen to you.
3. Try to get amnesia!
If you're unfortunate enough to end up as a character on Plagued, odds are that you've had a tragic past filled with tears and angst. Your rough background is probably pretty generic, too: you had to learn independence when you were little, Itachi Uchiha killed your entire clan and you've devoted your life to destroying him, or you spent your childhood living in a cupboard beneath the stairs and you only just found out you're really a wizard. In any case, it's probably shit that you're going to end up brooding about constantly in your posts, to everyone you meet. You'll be best off if you slam your head against a coffee table or fall down sets of stairs until you don't remember. You'll be much more likable that way, especially if you never mention that you have amnesia and you have no desire to get your memory back.
4. Learn to time travel.
Seriously. Odds are, people you know are just going to start disappearing, even when you're in the middle of a conversation with them, and it's easiest if you can just travel back in time and tell yourself never to associate yourself with that person. That way, you can start anew. Additionally, you can participate in multifaceted conversations that seem to exist in several different timelines. People who can already time travel will go back to say things in the middle of your own dialogue, and the only way to tangle with these bad boys is to become a more powerful time lord than they are.
5. Choose your weapons carefully.
Look, in a world where everyone is running around with sledgehammers and katanas, you're not gonna keep up using something practical like a crowbar or a gun. Just about all of the people you'll meet in Fort York are of the samurai/pirate/ninja/cowboy/construction worker/Japanese martial artist/crusader type, so they're going to have some pretty neat, unique weapons. The only way to keep up is to find yourself a barbed whip or a rapier. The more similar to a Soul Calibur weapon it is, the better.
6. Be flawed, but not too flawed.
Since you're in Fort York and you're not dead (unless you disregarded #2 up there), odds are, you're pretty perfect. Unfortunately, this is unacceptable! Make sure you have a couple of minor character flaws to keep yourself balanced. Clumsiness, heavy accents, and general iciness are all good flaws to add to your repertoire to make sure that no one ever calls you a Mary Sue!
7. Be attractive.
The easiest way to accomplish this is by not being unattractive.
8. If you're not batshit insane, you're gonna have a bad time.
First of all, being insane is the easiest way to get away with doing whatever the fuck you want. It doesn't even have to be real insanity. Just make some shit up and slap that on your forehead like you could've had a V8. Second, you'll be unique for being insane. No one else on the site is insane but you. You are the single most unique character on the site because that's how insane you are. Do you hear me? You are so unique. Seriously, keep being insane. All 206 of you.
9. Created Overminds (and sometimes Vampyres) only: Be verbose.
Having burst forth from the very loins of the devil himself, thine speech patterns must reflect those from either the Lord God's Holy Bible, from which thine Unholy Father Satan's story was scribed, or as the great Elizabethan poet William Shakespeare inked his great epics upon paper.
10. Reavers: Be despicable, but not too despicable.
Murderers, thieves, and denim-wearing bipolarity sufferers all make for deep, original Reavers. Anyone worse or more despicable than that, however, can fuck right off. If you're a Reaver and you've committed too many atrocities that could not be considered endearing, then you have no place in Fort York. Fuck off, ye rapists and ye pedophiles, for that's fucking gross and you need to make room for the slightly testy people who accidentally killed a guy once. Phoenix.
11. Just be an Overmind.
Fine, let's face it: all the races except Overminds suck dick to be. Humans are squishy, Vampyres are pussies, and Reavers are dicks (yeah, you try telling the cashier at Wal-Mart that you don't want to pay the extra fucking dollar to help find a cure for muscular dystrophy, asshole). Overminds have badass potential and can be less awful on the sliding scale of Fort York dickery without being yanked back to Hell. Even better, Satan fucking likes you and you have the infinite lives hack for free, so long as your version of Satan coddles you. Plus, Pothos is an Overmind and his dick is huge.
To be continued, when I feel like it or when Skye feels like it.