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Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
A Rogue's Musings « Thread Started on Feb 12, 2011, 4:41pm »
Entry 1: Purpose and Meaning
What is my purpose?
Is it to win? To find a new home? To survive? After two years of living on the fringes of our ruined society, living day by day, I am unsure. At first, I had found the apocalypse as a godsend of sorts; now I see it as a bloody curse. The old world was full of corruption, hate, greed; basically every deadly sin was present in one way or another and in abundance. The apocalypse changed things, and I had thought they had changed for the better. There were no longer any forms of power to hold the people of the world together, making it so we could choose for ourselves and not be oppressed in any area. Before, the driving force was greed; the gain of wealth, power, and social status. Now, the driving force is survival; no right, no wrong, no corruption, no greed. Things had become simpler, and we went back to our roots of using our wit and cunning to stay alive and survive as a race.
We don’t care about social class or power; it simply comes down to who had the necessary skills and ability to lead those who couldn’t to safety. Before the shit hit the fan I would have been considered blue collar trash with no chance of elevating myself in the world. Now? Now, I’m the one with the power, the one people need to survive. Those people who worked in offices, pretending to be someone they weren’t? They’re either dead or in hiding, waiting for someone like me to come save their sorry asses.
Things worked well for me at first; I helped those I could get to safety and left the rest to die; I wasn’t going to waste my skills helping those who didn’t want my assistance. Now however, after two years of living the life of a scavenger and a killer, I find that I have lost that sense of goodness about the dilemma the world faces. Now instead of seeing no corruption or greed, I see people killing the other for no reason other than they are hungry. I watch as Reavers level entire buildings full of survivors, and know I can do nothing about it. I observe Overminds corrupting unknowing people into becoming their slaves, and yet I know if I try to stop them, they will surely kill me faster than I can pull my weapon or run. So I must watch, as the last remaining pockets of survivors are wiped out by the spawn of Satan; and I weep silently for the things we have lost.
Those who were driven by hunger are dead now. Those who were driven by the basic idea of self defense are dead now. Those who were driven by pride are dead now. Those driven by survival alone are either dead or fleeing now. Those driven by cunning survive for now, but at what cost to their immortal souls? I now wonder about those who are driven now, not by these things, but by the need for a better future or a better existence; what will happen to them?
So I ask again, what is my purpose? What is the point of my continued existence now that this world holds nothing for me or the people in it? Am I to find a new home, possibly in this ‘Haven’ I have heard whispers about? Am I to continue finding small groups of people and take them to small safe houses clustered across our ruined civilization? Or should I just put a bullet in my own skull now, for no better purpose than to stop this tortured life?
I no longer know my purpose in life, and I am starting to lose sense of who I am. I still know that I am Jasper Gabriel Stone, I know where I come from, and I know everything that has happened to me and the world in the past two years. But what does any of that signify? Nothing, and that is the problem. In the future, will I be remembered at all? Will my name be known to any but myself and the few I have helped? Maybe that is why I am keeping this journal; so someone smarter, stronger, and more determined than I may be able to make a difference and not make the same mistakes as I have.
For now, I will continue what I have been doing; roaming our desecrated world to help those I can find, and leave behind those I cannot. I shall continue my ‘pilgrimage’ of sorts, and hopefully find a new purpose in life; one that will give me hope for Mankind’s future once more.
It seems the Cunning, the Damned, and the Hopeful have survived - question is, who will prevail? Perhaps it will be those Rogues like me who come out the victor in this damned struggle for dominance; I pray that the Rogues do not prevail and I am unsure whether I wish for the Hopeful, the Cunning or the Damned to win. It is my personal opinion that any of the three could drive Humankind right back into the ground from which it was born after a time. Maybe, in all honesty, it would be better if we all killed each other off during this war for the world. Then, finally, the Earth may know peace, at least for a time.
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #1 on Mar 2, 2011, 5:57pm »
Entry 2: Deity and Balance
Is there a God?
If there is, one must wonder how he let all of this happen. If there is truly a God, then why is he not fighting against Satan and his minions? Has he abandoned the human race because of our inherit evil? I do not know, and it keeps me up at night thinking about it.
I had been raised a strong believer in God, in the fact that he was an almighty being that could do no wrong and was perfect in every way. God was our father, and we had to respect his will, love him for his kindness, and fear him if we ever did wrong. But where is God now? Satan, his recalcitrant Son, has been sending his minions throughout the world, and the people of the earth are dying by the millions. Where is God? Why is the ‘all perfect being’ not saving the innocents of the world? All these questions, yet no answers are forthcoming it seems.
Being raised to believe in God, the possibility that there wasn’t one never crossed my mind; He was always just there, apart of my lifestyle and thoughts. But now? Now, I find it hard to believe there is a God, let alone there ever was one. But then, is it really Satan controlling the hordes of zombies? If there is Satan, then logically that must mean there is a God. But it seems there is no room in the picture for logic; just chaos, death and destruction.
I do not know what to believe anymore. Surely, if there were a God, then he would not let so many innocent people die such savage and brutal deaths. But if there isn’t, then how did Satan come into existence? I may not believe in God or much of anything else these days, but the one thing I do believe in is Balance; cause and effect. There is Good, and so there is Evil. There is a Sun, and there is a Moon. If there is an evil bastard such as Satan, then there must be a goodly savior such as God. There is a balance to everything, and therefore I have to pray (to whom I don’t know) for there to be something good to oppose the evil of Satan. Whether it be a God, a Prophet, or a large group of Survivors, there must be something. Maybe the whispered about Haven is the new Garden of Eden, and that is what is to oppose Satan; although I have my doubts.
Maybe there is a God, but he was the one who released Satan onto the world; to punish the Human Race. Let’s face it, our species is far from being goodly. Most of us commit one sin or another during our lives, and have no remorse. There are and were serial killers, rapists, pedophiles, greedy bureaucrats, and corrupted officials all over the world, making the earth an evil place. Of course there were those few handfuls of truly good people, but maybe that wasn’t enough to save us all. God may have finally seen that we were not worth saving, and so he turned his back on us, allowing Satan to rise and wreak havoc. I find that I have to believe this is what happened, for my world of Balance to make sense. I have to believe that there is a God, and there is Satan, but the former has turned his back on us while the latter is taking advantage of our weakness.
It is my hope that the Human Race can be revived from the ashes of this apocalypse, that all of us can redeem ourselves in the eyes of God, and that Satan will be forced back into his pits of fiery brimstone. For now though, I will continue helping those I can and leaving those I cannot. For now, my belief will be God has turned his back on us, and I shall do the same to him. I will no longer hold blind faith in the Almighty, or pray for his forgiveness and for redemption for the despicable things I have to do.
No, I will believe in Mankind, and hope that the little good that is inside us all will bloom, and overcome the evil that is plaguing us all in these dark times. Mankind must believe in themselves, not God, if they wish to survive the onslaught of evil and madness that Satan is spreading. This is what I believe, and what I will preach to those I encounter in my travels.
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #2 on Mar 2, 2011, 7:21pm »
Entry 3: Death and Beyond
What happens when we die?
Do we simply cease to exist? Do we lay there in the graves, to rest for eternity? Or do we go to Heaven or Hell depending how we lived? I’m unsure which option appeals to me more. If I simply cease to exist, then what was the point of living? If we lay there and rest for eternity, then why do we bother trying to be good or evil if there are no consequences? If we go to Heaven, what is waiting for us with a God who turns his back on Humanity? If we go to Hell, what would be the difference than what is on Earth right now? What about for those of us who defy Satan? Will our torture be permanent?
I often wonder why I do not just take my Remington 1100 and blow my brains out across the wall of a ruined building. Would my torment finally end? Would it all finally be over? For some reason, I doubt it. So my question becomes; Is there an Afterlife? Is it worth anything to continue living in this shitty world of ours? For those who are good, is there a reward? For those of us who are evil, is there a punishment? Or do we just all go to Hell and suffer eternal torment until Satan decides we are worthy enough to join his cause?
Also, where does on draw the line between Good and Evil? What is the threshold in which one must cross to be considered deserving of Hell or Heaven, if the places do indeed exist? A man who murders another to save his family, is he considered Good or Evil? Does killing one person to save many others mean that you did the right thing or the wrong thing? If I had to classify myself as either Good or Evil, I would have to say I am the latter. I allow people to die, I watch as innocents are murdered, I kill those who get in my way, and I am a sinner on multiple accounts. I would indeed classify myself as Evil, but does that mean I go to Hell? What if Hell has risen, and I am already there, here on Earth? Where do I go then? But then again, am I even deserving of going to Hell? I defy Satan with every breathe I take, and with every action I take. Does that mean I’m worthy of Heaven? I don’t think so, maybe I deserve to go to Purgatory, the place of everything and nothing.
Something else I wonder about is where do the plagued of the planet go? I know the Overminds and most of their kin go to Hell and have a good chance of coming back, but what about the innocents that are turned? What of the Lessers? Do they go to Hell simply because they were transformed into a servant of Satan? Where is the justice in that? It is my hope that the innocents who were morphed into the hideous things they are now find peace when they die, possibly in Purgatory if nowhere else. Anything that doesn’t belong in Heaven nor Hell goes to Purgatory I suppose. Where else could they go after all?
I guess it goes back to the other debate about whether there is a God and if he has turned his back on Mankind. If there is a God, does that mean there is a Heaven for us to go to? If he has turned his back on Mankind, is Heaven’s pearly gates closed for good? We know there is a Hell seeing as Satan is around, but Heaven is the real mystery, right along with God. I am still unsure whether I believe if there is an Afterlife at all, and I sometimes hope that it is just eternal rest; God knows I don’t get much of that these days. Maybe that reincarnation bull shit is true and I’ll come back as a flower, or a rock, or even a bird. I sincerely hope I come back as some big animal; I’d still be able to give Satan the finger and attack his minions.
Maybe that is all it takes to be considered Good; resistance against Evil. I think that is the fine line between Good and Evil, not embracing the Evil, but fighting against it. That doesn’t necessarily make you good, but that is what keeps you from becoming what you rebel against. Who knows, maybe there is hope for the bastards of the world like myself. It’s a nice thought, but likely not a reality; I’ve accepted I’m going to Hell. But maybe whoever reads this grimy Journal can learn from my mistakes.
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #3 on Mar 2, 2011, 10:36pm »
Entry 4: Emotion and Humanity
Will someone like me ever know Love?
I highly doubt it. For someone like me to experience the greatest of emotions is a joke, and a sick one at that. No, love is for those who are weak enough to show those kinds of emotions, not for the cold hearted killer such as myself, not in this corrupted world. And here I am lying to myself and to the unlucky reader of this journal. I am not completely cold hearted; I do have some humanity trapped within an iron casing in the bowels of my body, I simply do not let it out. Some would argue that our humanity is what makes us different from the spawn of Satan. This is wrong; our humanity is what makes us vulnerable to the spawn of Satan.
Showing emotion is what makes us weak and Overminds, such as this “Father” I have heard whispers about in the Black Bull Bar, take advantage of this and twist it to their advantage. Emotions such as love or happiness cause the survivor to forget their caution and to make mistakes that will them killed. Emotions such as love will make the survivor feel obligated to save another at the risk of their own lives; a fatal error. No, emotions are what make us weak. To survive, one must cast aside the shackles of emotion and the weighing presence of conscience so as to do what must be done and to not look back. I am more than likely to go to Hell for my actions here in this devastated world of ours, but at least I was able to survive to help other survivors make it to safety when it was appropriate.
Funny, it seems I am lying quite a bit during this Entry; I wonder why that is? I must be trying to seem better than I am; I am only human after all. I have contradicted myself. I have said I have no feelings or emotions, yet still I save other survivors at the risk of my own life. I often ask myself why I do this? I have no real answer, the only conclusion I have been able to draw is that I do it to remind myself I’m human, that I am not one of the enemy. That is the downside to living the way of life I do; you aren’t quite human anymore, you start to become more like the enemy. So maybe I save those I can so I can remember that I am not like the minions of Hell, but still retain my humanity, to some degree at least.
I was not always a reclusive, emotionless killer; that came with the apocalypse and watching an Overmind burn my friends alive. No, I was as human as the rest of the world. I had a girlfriend, I had hopes, dreams, emotions, but that is the past. I had to shed those things that weighted me down so as to survive; I am still not sure whether or not it was a good thing or a bad thing, likely something in between. I still have all of these emotions, albeit buried very deeply, but I do not show them nor do I experience them if I can help it. I will not let Satan and his kin dominate us, even if that means becoming more like them to be able to fight.
I do hold some semblance of hope that one day I will be able to bring my emotions to the surface once more, but until that day they must remain buried and hidden; I cannot afford for them to be shown to anyone. No, I will suffer in silence, only shedding the occasional tears for those people and things lost to us and then using that rage as a driving force to continue my fight. Funny, I had thought I showed no emotions, but it seems rage and anger guide my hands. Irony at its finest I suppose.
So in all likelihood I will not know Love, nor the other great emotions like it for a long time. There is no room in my life for emotions to be had, and no reason to show them. I correct myself; there is room for rage and anger in my life, but I would not call those really emotions, more like driving forces. I am only 19 years old, yet I feel as though I am 59. I doubt I will live long enough to find love, but there is always hope.
Odd; I say I show no emotion, yet I yearn and hope for Love? I am full of contradictions this night.
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #4 on Mar 3, 2011, 1:36pm »
Entry 5: Questions and Reasons
Why?
Why did the apocalypse occur? Why do humans act the way they do? Why do I continue to write in this blasted Journal? Our world before was always fascinated with the question “Why”, but now it is the question most of us ask ourselves every second of every day; why does Satan attack us? Why does go not help us? Why are we alone in this world?
I would often ask myself in the old world questions such as “Why am I here?” or “Why did I do that?” or “Why didn’t I do that?” Questions that I ask now are much worse in my mind; “Why shouldn’t I kill him?” or “Why don’t I kill myself?” or “Why should I bother helping the bastards?” It is funny really, how one’s perceptions and philosophies can change with one little apocalypse. No, not funny, more like harsh and cruel, only found funny by a twisted individual such as myself.
I find myself laughing at the absurdity of our new world sometimes. There are zombies roaming the streets, (intelligent ones at that!) and Satan seems to be controlling all of our fates as God looks to have abandoned us. People who were at the top of the world, living in mansions and partying all night, are now at the bottom. People such as myself who learned how to survive at an early age and knew how to handle a weapon, those once considered ‘White Trash’ are now at the top. I cannot tell whether I laugh at the irony the apocalypse has brought, or at the sadness that has permeated the air and insinuated itself into all of our hearts and minds because of it. Either way, I shouldn’t be laughing, but I do. After all, what else is there to laugh about in this new world?
I constantly ask myself Why I continue writing in this Journal, and the answer I will give myself is that I want whoever reads it to be better than I am; to learn from my mistakes. However, I am beginning to realize that this may not be the case. I think that I write this Journal because I need something to keep me sane. Some tie to normalcy and humanity that will keep me from becoming like the things I kill. I do indeed hope that some survivor will find this Journal after I am long gone, and will learn and be better than I am, but I mainly write these entries to piece together my thoughts and retain some semblance of my sanity. This Journal acts as a release of sorts for me; a place for me to rant and write my hidden feelings down on paper - God knows I won’t show them outside of these pages, nor accept their existence.
As I continue writing this entry, I am plagued by a new question; Why do I act the way I do? It’s not as though one man can make such a big difference in this fucked up world. Why do I continue to act like a ruthless son of a bitch and keep everything bottled up? Do I do it for the sake of survival only? I have discussed this somewhat in previous entries, but now I feel as though I need a concrete answer to this question. I realize that I act the way I do so I may survive and help those I can, but now that I am thinking about it, I find that isn’t the only reason. I believe that I act the way I do because I do not know how to be anything else. I was only 16 when Satan’s minions attacked my hometown and watched as my friends and family were burned alive. I guess I lost something that day, whether it was my innocence or most of my humanity, I do not know. After that, I suppose I acted like I didn’t care and with no remorse, so as never to be hurt like that again. So maybe I am the way I am because there is nothing else I can be. I’m not quite satisfied with this answer, but it will have to do for now. I think I am starting to regain my humanity being around these different survivors longer than I have before. I’m not sure whether I want to regain it or not.
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #5 on Mar 3, 2011, 11:07pm »
Entry 6: Fear and Companionship
What is happening to me?
Where did the ruthless, cold hearted, emotionless, bastard, killer rogue in me go? For years now I have lived without emotion or caring, and yet now, as I look over at my companion by the fire, they resurface as if they were always there. I feel as though I am losing control, losing what has made me the killer that I am. When I watched my friends and family burned alive I made a vow that I would never care for anyone else, that I would be uncaring and survive this apocalypse. But now? Now, all I want to do is have a good long cry over the tattered remains of my life. What in the fucking hell is wrong with me?
For the past few months my humanity has been leaking from its iron cage inside my dark soul, causing me to do things I normally wouldn’t, but I indulged it; all the while praying it would stop. But it is worse than ever now, and I am truly afraid of what is going to happen to me. With my emotions, I will be god damn useless once more, and that cannot happen. I was frozen by indecision when I had my emotions, in today’s world that cannot happen under any circumstances. I must be decisive and direct. I must hold back the flow of feelings and unhealthy urges and remain the cold asshole that I normally am. Yet somehow, I still doubt I can do this, mostly due to the fact of the guest not three feet away.
Why did I take her with me? What possible pragmatic reason did I have for bringing her along? Well, more like allowed her to tag along; it wasn’t as though I forced her to come back to my camp. Still though, it feels odd being in the same room with someone for so long. All of my encounter with other humans lasted no longer than was necessary, and usually one or more of them died from a bullet wound from my Winchester. So why did I take her with me? Was it because of my newly revived emotions? Did I feel sorry for her? No, I don’t think that was it; I usually kill things I feel sorry for, mostly to put them out of their misery. This was something different; for the first time in my life, I think I am feeling lonely. I have never experienced this emotion, and it is quite foreign to my mind. Being alone is what has kept me alive this long, not letting anyone get close has kept me cautious and level headed, and has allowed me to be free of these damning emotions longer. But now that they are surfacing, apparently so is the feeling of loneliness.
I find that on some level I enjoy Vi’s company, and yet on the other levels I find I want her gone as quickly as possible, preferably with a bullet between her eyes. But I cannot let her go, not just yet anyhow. I have this need to make sure she at least gets back to where she belongs safely, and then I can be content. I sincerely hope that once Vi is out of my life that these damning emotions will disappear back to the black hole in which I had sent them, but again I doubt this will happen. I doubt I will ever be rid of them again. I am thinking they will be here forever more, haunting my thoughts eternally. I sincerely think that I will forever be second guessing myself, forever remembering that night I lost that large part of my humanity in that fire and the emotions it brought with it that I had buried. I really must be tired if I am thinking as bleakly as this.
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #6 on Mar 4, 2011, 6:03pm »
Entry 7: Fires of Revenge
Fire.
The one thing that truly and utterly terrifies me. Fire is the one thing that reaches through my solid shell over my emotions and pulls at my strings. When I say I am scared of fire, I do not mean that I am afraid of small fires such as to keep warm with or to use as a light source. I mean I am afraid of large fires, in the hands of sadistic pricks who enjoy hurting others, and of being burned by it. I was forced to watch people I had grown up knowing be burned alive, the flames dancing across their charred skin and screaming faces.
That is one image I have not forgotten, and never will. I can still see my girlfriend, my parents, everyone I knew being torched, begging for their lives. And yet I could do nothing about it, because I was frozen by indecision and the tumult of emotions battling for control inside me. I was so scared by the aspect of my own death that I allowed everyone I ever cared about to be killed by an Overmind. I still think that was the day I lost that spark inside me that made me human; the thing that made me feel these god awful emotions.
Fire is the one thing that bring back all those emotions for me, and it would likely be worse now because of my newfound sense of humanity. But even if I saw fire back when I was my old ruthless self, I still likely would have shed a tear for all those people I lost on that day. If I am ever confronted with a large conflagration, one of two things could happen. The first being that I freeze like I did that fateful day, and cannot move of my own volition. The second option being that I relive those painful memories and become extremely enraged, with no regard for my personal safety; not a very good outcome for whoever is around. Luckily, I am not often
I find it funny that such a key thing to survival like Fire would be the one thing that could set me off or turn me off. It is not as though whenever I see a fireplace such as the one in my camp that I will relive the painful memories; I’m not nearly that weak! But, whenever there is a large, roaring fire around, the chance of my freezing or attacking increases. That is another reason I stayed away from other survivors for so long - fear of murdering their asses if they lit too large a fire. I have managed to make it so as I can deal with a fire as long as I am not directly looking at it, but it still kills me that I have this aversion to the flames.
I wonder how fire will effect me now that I am slowly regaining that part of me that makes me human. I would guess it would hurt worse, and the chance of me going into a psychotic rage is likely diminished. I hope that eventually I can move on and work past this irritating issue of mine, but that will only come with time. I believe if I found that Overmind that burned everyone alive, then I could be content with his death. Until that time, I will continue to avoid Fire as much as possible, and enjoy what little I can from the fact that I’m still alive, and that fucker will not know what hit him until it’s too late. Fire will either be the death of myself, or the cleansing of the Overmind from the world.
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #7 on Mar 5, 2011, 6:05pm »
Entry 8: Fundamentals of Man
What defines a man?
Is it his actions? His word? His religion? I have always wondered what makes a man who he is and what makes him what others will se him as. In the old world, people could see a celebrity and see their philanthropy or their benefit parties and see someone who was goodly and kind. Or, they could look past the bullshit and see the demeaning, self centered, bastard behind the facade of charity and good will. In the new world, your word means nothing and if you don’t shoot first, the other person will.
So what really defines a man? I act as an arrogant, careless prick on the outside, yet on the inside I’m still working with a new found humanity and emotion. So maybe it is not actions, because if that were so I would be a hardened killer on the inside and out. Sadly this is not the case, no matter how much I wish it were. Then again, there are probably those few who act on the outside as they feel on the inside; how I envy those gifted individuals!
Maybe it is not actions, so is it the Word of a man that defines him? No, not really. If such were true than I would be ruthless once more, due to all the lying and bravado I put on to those around me. I had often heard in the old world that a man’s Word is everything; what a load of shit. A man could give you his Word and then go back on it just as easily, and yet people would still trust him! Our society in the old world was more convoluted and corrupted than believable, and your Word meant nothing. These days? Your Word is just as good as money; worthless as all shit. So no, your Word does not define a man, I doubt it has anything to do with what makes a person who they are in any way.
Religion? I suppose that has a small something to do with what defines a man, mostly if they will attack and kill because their God demands it or not. Being raised to be religious, I know how most of the fanatics will think, and so I understand to some degree what they believe in and what drives them. I personally think Religion is a farce and a way for preachers to control their mobs of people and have power. Religion has a small portion to how one is defined, but I prefer to think that it is what can drive a man, not define him.
So what does define a man? I have thought on Actions, Words, and Religion, yet only the last of those three subjects seem to give a small glimpse into what does indeed define a man. Maybe it is not just one facet of life that defines a man, but multiple, making it harder to pin down exactly what does. I am sincerely perturbed by this question, and I do not like that I have no concrete answer to it. I would like to know what defines a man, so as to better learn how to fix what is wrong with me. If I can learn what defines a man then maybe, just maybe, I can fix this inner struggle within myself. If I know what defines a man, then I can change that or manipulate it for myself, to turn me back into my killer self from before I regained my humanity.
Wait, maybe the answer has been staring me in the face this entire time. What if it is a man’s Humanity and emotion that defines him? Logically thinking, that makes sense. As I struggle with my inner self about my newly found humanity and my blooming emotions, they are coming out and influencing the choices I make. Perhaps it is a man’s humanity that decides who he is and what he does in his life. I had lost mine early on and had buried my emotions so far, that I was able to be the killer that I was. Now that the emotions are resurfacing and my humanity is regaining its form, I am changing with it. This makes sense, and now that I know a little more about what is happening, I may just be able to stop it.
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #8 on Mar 10, 2011, 3:14pm »
Entry 9: Descendants of Freedom
Freedom.
The most quintessential of feelings for humans, and yet none of us have it in this new world. In the old world we had soldiers fighting for it, and we took it for granted. We rode around in out convertibles and walked around in Armani suits, all thanks to those soldiers fighting for our Freedom in other countries, away from their families. Everyone desires Freedom, the ability to choose what they want to do, and be able to do it unhindered by anyone or anything. Everyone yearns to be able to be Free, and enjoy their own rights and liberties, even at the cost of hundreds of pointless deaths.
So what has happened to Freedom? Did it disappear like many of the other facets of our world? Or is it still within us, simply hiding as we do from the dark, soulless gazes of Satan and his minions? Who in our new world has attained their Freedom, and kept the grand idea alive? My first, and immediate, response would be the Rogues; we have found and kept our Freedom, surviving alone or together and fighting back against Satan. However, we are also the people who do not have one singular place to call home, nor can we do whatever we want with the Overminds and their minions out and roaming the streets.
So maybe it is the citizens of this ‘Haven’ who are the ones that have retained their Freedom? They have a place in which they can call home, and are free to leave at their convenience and return, so as long as they are not turned. The other side to that however, is that they do not have the same Freedom as the Rogues, where we may do close to whatever we wish if there is no one to hear us out here in Fort York, while the citizens and soldiers of Haven must follow rules set down by their leader. So maybe it is that both Rogues and citizens have found different sides to the same coin, and when put together it forms the whole of what Freedom is, or what it used to be at least.
I often wonder about human nature, and why we are so obsessed over things like Freedom; what in our minds makes it so as we need this aspect of life, over a structured and well settled community? That is one large reason Rogues do not go to Haven; we want our Freedom from living under one single law. Maybe there is something just hardwired into our minds that we need to have some form of leadership to govern us so as we do not have to think for ourselves. Humans are an adapting race, so it may be that we adapted to having a select few in charge and became content with them forming the rules and leading us, while we became lazy and uncaring about the world around us.
So what of the people who are going to be living in this world in a decade or more, if we humans do survive that long? Will they be born with that part of their mind, content with others leading? I do not think so. As I sad before we are an adapting race, and so I believe the future generations will adapt to be able to survive and think for themselves, much as us Rogues do. They will become ruthless, cold hearted killers just like most of us are today, so as they can survive and hopefully one day prevail over Satan and his kind. It makes me sad that our next generation will have to adapt and evolve to be more cynical and evil than we are today, but that must be the way of things. Humans have to become better than what they are to be able to fight against Satan. We have to be more cunning, more devious, and a hell of a lot stronger if we wish to stand against his might and his hordes of minions. They will have to constantly batter down their emotions and fight, ignoring their humanity and entrapping everything human about themselves in the depths of their soul, so that they can prevail. But then, will this new generation know any more Freedom than we do today?
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #9 on Mar 16, 2011, 7:08pm »
Entry 10: Muddled Thoughts of Womankind
Women.
The bane of all men and also their savior; one must love the irony of it if nothing else. I always wonder if that story about Adam and Eve was true; if Adam did indeed give up that rib to create Eve. If so, I have a good feeling Adam has gotten his ass kicked multiple times up in Heaven, or wherever he is, by his fellow Man for all the trouble he gave us by having Woman being created. Well, either getting his ass kicked or being thanked by the handful of Men who were completely whipped by their respective bitches. Well maybe it wasn’t Adam’s fault, but God’s; after all, did he have to give them a mouth? Couldn’t he just give them the fun parts and leave off the annoying ones? For the Man who reads this dusty Journal, I wonder if you share the same thoughts as I about our counterparts. For the Woman who reads this, I apologize for anything that sounds remotely distasteful about you; I simply do not understand you creatures of beauty, and my ranting about you is how I work through my thought process. I also apologize for the tone of this entry; my usual ones are more melancholy and realistic, but tonight it seems I am in fairly good spirits. I stumbled upon a bottle of brandy and my normally dismal thoughts are quite muddled and have become hearty and joyous for the time being; maybe there is a God after all...
I have survived against Nature, Man, and Spawn of Hell alike, and yet Woman continues to elude me and is the only thing that intimidates me in the slightest. They are exquisite, irritating, cunning, and heartless; Satan must have had a hand in creating them in my opinion. I will never understand the opposite sex, nor do I think will any man. If they are not having an emotional breakdown or bitching us men out, they are using their more advanced minds to think of ways to kill us; and I respect them for this, and also slightly fear them. Women are smarter than Men; it’s a fact, and cannot be denied no matter how much we wish it weren’t so. Women are naturally gifted with the ability to screw with the minds of men, and therefore are smarter than us. I have found that there are more female survivors these days than male because they are better suited mentally for the task. Men think along the lines of ‘Apocalypse means big guns, zombie killing awesomeness,’ whereas Women would think ‘Necessary supplies, hideout, must survive.’ Women are just more adaptable then Men. I realize some might refute my claims, but I’d like to see one of them not shrivel under the gaze of an angry Woman; damn near impossible.
I ponder how Man handles the apocalypse and his longings for the flesh; it is not as if they can have it with Women in the world’s current condition, especially considering the fact that the Woman would likely steal his gear once he collapsed from exhaustion. Men in the old world were driven by sex and lust, as were a good portion of Women too. Now, do Men just jerk off in the darkness to relieve themselves, or do they simply not have time, being too busy just trying to survive? Before all of this I had a girlfriend, but we were too young to have done anything, and I was one of those driven by thoughts of sex. Now, I am too busy considering what caliber bullet to kill a Lesser with than by the need for pleasures of the flesh. I think when I lost that part of me that made me Human I lost that spark that made me have a lust for anything. However, now that my humanity is starting to come back, perhaps the other feelings will come back as well; another reason to hate having to carry this burden once more. It is not that I do not like Women now, it’s simply I see them as either fodder for Lessers, extra hands when fighting, or as a way to get more gear; I do not see them as partners or sexual relationships. It may be that I am young and this is why I have these thoughts, or it is simply that I no longer care about anyone or anything. Or it could be the brandy taking control from my normally stable mind and I am simply rambling about nothing in particular; either option works for me really, by morning I will have forgotten about this passage and will have a splitting headache.
Now that the world is literally coming down around Mankind’s shoulders, I wonder how we will survive. It is not as thought we can reproduce; too many hazardous factors for pregnancies to properly happen, and even then how do you care for a child with barely enough supplies for yourself? No, we are a dying race now. There may be the occasional birthing in this new world, but not enough can happen for Mankind to survive now that Satan has almost dominated us. Maybe Haven is our answer, our savior, from becoming wiped out in these troubled times; the one beacon of light in a dark time for our race.
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #10 on Apr 1, 2011, 4:51pm »
Entry 11: The Darkness Within
Corruption.
I feel it spreading through my body, the darkness seeping in through my pores and haunting the fringes of my mind. I recognize its presence in myself, and yet do nothing to hinder its rampage nor do I try to eliminate it; instead I have embraced it as a brother. Prior to my time in Fort York, I was a ruthless killer with no morals, no care other than keeping myself alive at any cost. After being here for some time, I was becoming afflicted with a new sense of humanity and emotion, my inner self constantly at war, the factions of practicality and human emotion always vying for control. Now however, the war has died down, or at least in the process of doing so.
I have been contaminated with a virus, the same one that has been running rampant through the entire world; the disease of hate, anger, and loathing. I am appalled by the world and its inhabitants, evil and good alike. The darkness that has always been inside me has started to grow steadily bigger, corrupting what morals I had regained and making the actions I take darker and more sinister. I no longer care about my life, I doubt I would give a moment’s thought to someone attacking me. Instinct would take over and I would defend myself, but if I died I wouldn’t care; I have nothing to live for after all.
As I have said in previous entries I had originally thought the apocalypse was a good thing, but my perceptions of it had changed over my years of fighting and killing. I’m going to return to my earlier sentiment that it is a good thing; the human race deserves to be killed off. We are a race of egotism, greed, and inherit evil and we brought this curse upon ourselves with our self-serving ways and actions. We are a stain on the Earth, and we have earned the right to be killed en masse. I once had faith in the human race as a whole, a blind faith that we could rise up and crush Satan and his minions and redeem ourselves, making our world a better place.; but no more. Now I see us for what we truly are; evil beings deserving of our fate. Satan has the right idea by killing us, his methods may need some work but his overall goal is finally starting to make sense to me.
I have had shady morals for years, killing without discrimination while still having a sense of mercy I bestowed on others. If you got in my way, you died; if you helped I’d do my best not to shoot you, instead feeding you to the Lessers. My world was simple, clean, and I had no problem with it. Then I came to Fort York and my world got turned upside down. I regained a sense of humanity which continually haunted my every move, causing me to second guess myself with every action. The darkness already inside me fought with the newly acquired feelings, and continued to cause such inner turmoil within me that I thought my mind would just turn into a pile of ash from the onslaught. The darkness has prevailed though, and thankfully my mind is once more returning to its old habits, albeit with some adjustments.
I no longer will help my race, instead leaving them to die like the scum they are. I will not seek out enemies of Satan, only killing them if they get in my way. My goal is the same; simply survival, except this time I have no reason to live. I simply live for the sake of living, with no real purpose. The corruption has spread, and I have welcomed it. It has filtered my body, discarding the goodness that once resided there. All that is left is nothing, nothing but the inky blackness that I imagine darkness would look like imprinted on a man’s soul. I simply have nothing left to offer for I have nothing with which to give. I have been corrupted, and there is nothing left for me or in me. I am simply surviving because I don’t have the balls to kill myself or have someone do it for me. I will continue living, but my life is nothing more than sham. What is a man to believe in when all he thought he knew is gone? What does he do when his soul is stained with blood of many, and he has nothing to live for?
He embraces the darkness that corrupted him, forevermore.
Jasper "Judas" Stone Global Moderator Vampyre {Wrath} Abilities of Minor Phantasm, Minor Telepathy, and Berserk ------------ Poodle's Little Minor ------------ The Voice of Godtron ------------ JORGIE THE JOLLY JOGGER member is offline
"Thank You For Reminding Me To Sin With A Grin"[ss:Zero Hour]
Joined: Feb 2011 Gender: Male Posts: 411
Re: A Rogue's Musings « Reply #11 on May 15, 2011, 2:25pm »
Entry 12: A Raider's Musings
Have I found a home?
I originally scoffed at the idea of joining the Raiders, finding that having others around me only slowed my progress and forced me to confront questions that were better left unanswered. And yet, I followed Jon, and joined their rank for no reason whatsoever. I think I joined because I needed a purpose once more, something to give me direction and meaning. I was tired of living alone, with only the delusions my mind could come up with for company. It wasn’t a bad existence but it was a lonely one, and although I was surviving that wasn’t enough. I may have embraced the darker aspect of myself, and cast aside the shackles of my better half and the soul that came with it, I am still just a man.
From what I’ve seen, I am now surrounded by a group of people who are similar to me; they all are willing to work together as long as it suits their purposes, but their priority is their own survival, and that I can respect. Unlike other survivors, the Raiders aren’t afraid to do what needs to be done to live, and have no problem with killing anyone who gets in their way. My kind of people. I am uncertain as to what I think of the members individually though. They each bring their own skills to the table, making the group a good and solid unit. Dallas with his leadership, Dain with his tactical abilities, Jon with his wisdom gained over the years, Nyx and her devious mind and skills, and Ash with her own set of skills and her unpredictability; each member added a new skill or outlook to the mix, making for an efficient and deadly team. So what is it that I can offer to the group? Not much that isn’t already there. Granted, I can fight proficiently, or make decisions without any morals dragging me down, but what good does that do the group overall? No, I think what I offer the group is a different perspective, as I don’t think on quite the same terms as others do. Where others are thinking of simply that day, I am thinking of every day of the week, my mind constantly working on contingency plans and possible outcomes. So I might not be the greatest fighter or the leader of the group, but I am sure as hell not the weakest link in its chain.
So I now come back to my original question; have I found a home? I think the answer will remain a mystery for a time, until I have explored this new world of ‘companionship’ more thoroughly. I have been around others at different points in my travels such as with Vi, who brought out my more human half, but never have I traveled with more than one person at a time, or for such a longer stretch. The entire concept of working together and teamwork is foreign to me, and I struggle to wrap my mind around it. We are to work as a unit, and keep each other alive as we survive in this shit hole of a world? We are to put aside our own survival for the better of the groups? What utter bullshit; what is more important than your own survival? I highly doubt that I will last long here if I’m expected to put myself on the line for people I hardly know. My own survival comes first and foremost. Hopefully this bit of survival instinct stays with me over the course of my enrollment in the Raiders.
So maybe I have not found a new home, but I have found a group of people I can respect and work well with. I may have had to adjust my reclusive nature and selfish mindset to carve out my place in the group, but I feel it will be worth it in the end. Unlike the others I’ve encountered here in Fort York, the Raiders actually know what the fuck they’re doing, and have a plan always in motion, much like myself. I do not regret joining them, even if I do still hold doubts about why I did so, and think that I will enjoy my time with them, for however long that may be. I am the youngest member of the Raiders, but that hardly matters, as I am also one of the most deadly. The others will underestimate me because of my age and the forced demeanor and personality I show to them until I learn more about each of them individually, and that is my advantage. I know it is unlikely any of them will try something, but it is better to be prepared in any case, because an opponent underestimated is a deadly enemy indeed. For now I am a Raider though, and will learn what it means to be apart of a close knit group such as this.
At least until a better opportunity presents itself, that is.
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